Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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