ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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