so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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