he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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