I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
