I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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