You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
