she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
