Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
