you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
