oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
