If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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