genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
