Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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