dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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