i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
