I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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