Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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