Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
