I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
