so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
