sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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