everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Pants are for mortals
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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