Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
