Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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