Already got asked if we're dating
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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