The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
how drunk are you?
Several
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
