i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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