Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
