Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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