so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I need moral support for this bender
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
