omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize