in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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