There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
