the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
