and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
