What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
