I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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