I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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