P.S. I can't hear my feet
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
