hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
