you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My dick has a subreddit
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
