I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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