Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
