I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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