Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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