I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All the doctor said was why
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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