All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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