On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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