how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
