we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
