Swine flu is the new snow day.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
