Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There's always time for handjobs
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
