Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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