When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
