And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
