Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
